Day by Day

My friend

2012-02-11T13:40:00.001-08:00

I have a female friend that lived with me in the past and took care of my home and children while I worked. She has 2 small children that also lived with us. We made up a big happy family. During this time we became very close and three times this closeness became intimate. Now she has never been with a woman in that way before. I on the other hand have had several lesbian relationships with women before islam and a few during my angry phase after my husband and I seperated. She has expressed a desire to move to California with me when I leave to join my children. We are trying to see if we can have a non-sexual, emotionally intimate relationship. I love her and her children and want the best for them. We have even played around with the idea of being in a polygamous relationship with my husband and all growing old together. I love her and would like to be her life partner. We shall see where this goes.

Put them down!!!! please

2012-02-10T07:41:00.000-08:00

So we are talking more now everyday about reconciling. It is hard with me living in Florida now and him living in California. It's even harder with him still carrying the very HEAVY baggage of the past. Those bags were too heavy for me to continue to carry while attempting to walk forward so I had to put them down. I pray that his heart will softened and his eyes will open to the pain he is inflicting upon me. We don't need to cause each other anymore pain or rack up anymore sins by not treating each other with fairness, love and kindness. Surah An-Nisa says (it may be that you dislike something in which Allah has placed much good for you). May Allah give us peace, wisdom, forgiveness and clarity. Ameen

I'm baaack.

2012-02-10T04:20:00.000-08:00

Well it has definitely been a while. Too much has happened to try and recap so i will touch on the highlights. My divorce was final March 23, 2011. My husband remarried December 2012. We are currently talking to attempt a reconciliation so I will be his second wife, hehe, that sounds funny since we have been together 10 years and already have 3 children ages 5, 7 and 9. Well after much thought and prayer I believe this is the best decision for my children, my husband and myself. I believe we still love each other and we want what's best for our children. We both want to put our family back together so we will see where this leads us. I feel a little insecure because she is older than me and more stable in her life. I suppose when I reach her age I will be more stable as well, insha Allah. It is easy for him to love her because there is no hurt, no pain, no history. Our love on the other hand has been through the fire. Insha Allah we will emerge stronger. Pray for us as we take the journey into polygamy.

If

2009-08-07T22:42:00.000-07:00

If only I could eliminate anger, suspicion, pain, pride and doubt. You know if it weren't for those creepy fellas creepin around this whole reconciliation thing would be a piece of cake, until they fall off the face of the earth, this shit is hard. It seems that we have done things to each other that have created these really BIG, very HEAVY suitcases. I hate baggage as much as the next girl and I haven't worked out in God knows how long so I'm not sure if I can carry these bags. The smart and easiest thing to do would be for us to put these bags down and stop carrying them around but you'd be surprised how hard it is for either of us to do that. So instead here we are struggling to carry around this baggage. I fear I may have to put mine down and walk away. This sucks!!!

fisabilillah

2009-07-30T17:54:00.000-07:00

The two who love one another for the sake of Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala) are clearly shown to be among those whom Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala) will shelter with His shade and upon whom He will shower His mercy and kindness. What a great honour! It is enough honour for those who love one another for the sake of Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala) that their Almighty Rabb will greet them on the Day of Resurrection and say to them: "Where are those who loved one another for My glory? Today I will shade them in My shade on the Day when there is no shade but Mine." (Muslim)

This is to ALL of my sisters. I love you ALL for the pleasure of my Lord.

Salaams

2009-07-29T09:36:00.000-07:00

So i recently started going on facebook. There is a part where they send a friend request to everyone on your contact list. So i sent out this mass generic friend request to EVERYONE on my contact list. It was nice to hear from people that i didn't even remember was on the list. A few old co-workers contacted me and we had a nice time updating eachother on our lives. A few sisters that i hadn't talked to in years contacted me and it was awesome to reconnect with them. The two sisters who stand out in my mind are two sisters who i had a falling out with. One sister sent me a message and we had a nice chat updating and letting bygones be bygones. In the end we exchanged phone numbers and May Allah be pleased with us both. The other sister sent me this lenghthy message about me being cut off and to stop trying to contact her. First off i didn't even remember she was in my contacts. Second i have NO DESIRE to be friends with her. Due to my understanding of Sahih Bukhari, I replied that although i have NO DESIRE to be friends with her i have no ill feelings towards her and i wished her salaams and happiness. I pray for the pleasure of Allah. May this be a reminder to the believers.

402. Hisham ibn 'Amir al-Ansari, the nephew of Anas ibn Malik whose father was killed in the Battle of Uhud, that he heard the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, say, "It is not lawful for a Muslim to snub another Muslim for more than three nights. As long as they are cut off from each other, they are turning away from the Truth. The first of them to return to a proper state has his expiation for that inasmuch as he was the first to return to a proper state. if they die while they are cut off from each other, neither of them will ever enter the Garden. If one of them greets the other and he refuses to return the greeting or accept his greeting, then an angel returns the greeting to him and Shaytan answers the other."
405. 'Imran ibn Abi Anas reported from a man of Aslam who was one of the Companions of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Snubbing a believer for a year is like spilling his blood."

Taking this into account may we seek the pleasure of Allah (swt), make taubah for our sins and pray for Allah's forgiveness.

Tears

2009-07-26T06:27:00.000-07:00

As I get the last of my things packed to move in with Muhammad I feel tears flow down my face. I stop to analyze them. I am safe here. I don't have to worry about drama, arguements, people breaking in and trying to kill me and a whole host of things that I won't even go into right now. I am leaving my safe zone and going into another zone. Is it a war zone? Is it unfriendly territory? What will it be? Allahu Alim, only God knows. Enough rambling, I must wipe my tears and finish packing. Salaam

Divorce

2009-07-23T16:38:00.000-07:00

The invitation

2009-07-22T13:52:00.000-07:00

This is what my invitation to move into my husbands house sound like "I don't trust you, I don't believe anything you say, my heart is a rock and it has been dead for some time. But you're free to move in. The ball is in your court now. Once you move in we can start the hard work of rebuilding and hopefully my heart will start to feel something but right now it is dead. WOW!!! How can a girl resist such an enthusiastic, hope provoking invitation. Now this invitation came after 6 paragraphs of blaming me, insults and put downs. Not introspection about how we got into this mess in the first place and how he has learned from these trials. Not, baby i'm sorry we got here and hurt eachother so much lets put all this behind us and move forward giving eachother 100%. Instead he took no responsibility and put me down for 6 paragraphs before telling me that I don't have to worry about polygamy in the future but because he is insensitive and forgetful he will probably hurt me many times more and if I get upset we will he have to take a relationship time out. WTH does that mean. Just when you think you know what's happening things turn upside down and there you are at step 1 again.

Words of wisdom from who else......

2009-07-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.
-Tupac Amaru Shakur

Live your life

2009-07-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

WOW

2009-07-18T13:44:00.000-07:00

" Strength doesn't mean being able to stand up to anything, but being able to crawl on your belly a long, long time before you can stand up again."

I read this somewhere on the internet and it made me realize something.
I am not strong enough to endure a lot of shit.'
May Allah (swt) help me.

Kids say the darndest things.

2009-07-18T09:14:00.000-07:00

Last night we were out 2 dinner and Mina said "Daddy can i just be a big girl and do the things big girls do already?" My husband asked her "What do big girls do?" Mina replied "I don't know. I'm not a big girl." Too funny. In the end she decided that big girls cut up their food. Too cute. Mina is 6 years old. Later on in the evening my husband and I were discussing my oldest daughters reluctance to wear hijab. I told my husband that Zainab said "How am I suppose to express my personality and character if I wear hijab." and Niama replied "All she has to do is smile and walk fancy." Niama is her 4 year old sister. I laughed all night.

The ole familiar

2009-07-18T08:23:00.000-07:00

Went to jummah with hubby & the kids yesterday. It was the first time in over 2 years. It was nice. We then went 2 MIL's house so that he could assemble furniture 4 her. He's such a good son. I pray 2 Allah 2 remove any harsh feelings from my heart 4 her. It's just hard 2 see that we're on the same team. I am kind and cordial as always but i feel no true warmth. Terrible I know. I will continue 2 treat her with love and kindness and Insha Allah it will become true.

which 1 are u?

2009-07-17T08:17:00.000-07:00

Are u an optimist, a pessimist, a realist or a combination? I am a perpetual optimist. If you are a friend of mine and have come to me for advice you know that i always try to be optimistic. Maybe that's why I am reuniting with my husband. I am optimistic that we can take the blessings that we have been given and realize the true travesty that it would be to throw it all away. He has hurt me and I have hurt him. It has been a tragic pendulum of pain. It is time to stop before there is no trace of the beauty that was before. Insha Allah we can make it work.

reunited and it feels so ??????

2009-07-17T07:57:00.000-07:00

Who the hell knows how it will feel. I have no clue. All I know is for 5 years my marriage was like a fairy tale. It was what every girl dreams of and then went blank. It was like I was holding hands with my beloved and we were running in a field of lavender flowers together (I luv those fragrant fellas) when he fell down a dark murky hole. instead of me staying clean and going for help to rescue my beloved I jumped down the hole as well (not so smart move Mc Fly). Since that day everything has been dark and murky, cold and smelly, scary and lonely. If there is a chance, even a diminutive chance, to get the beautiful life back that we had before the fall, I'm in. Insha Allah he's all in as well. With the help of Allah (swt) we can get back on track.

Sisterhood

2009-07-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

This is a reminder for myself & ALL of my sisters. I forgive you for WHATEVER wrongs you have done to me. I pray that you forgive me as well so that we may both be pleasing to Allah (swt)

1. She loves them for the sake of Allah :

This is a love untainted by any worldly interests or ulterior motives. True sisterly love is a relationship whose purity is derived from the light of Islamic guidance (Dr. Muhammad A. al-Hashimi). It is a bond that links a Muslims to her sister regardless of geographical origins, ethnicity, skin color, hair form, eye shape, or language. (It is) a bond based upon faith in Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aala) Who is greater than all our little petty divisions. “The Believers are but a single brotherhood….” [Al-Hujuraat 49:10]

A love which is an expression of the sweetness of faith: “There are three things that whoever attains them will find the sweetness of faith: if Allah and His Messenger (sallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam)are dearer to him than anyone else; if he loves a person solely for the sake of Allah; if he would hate to return to kufr after Allah has rescued him from it, as much as he would hate be thrown into the Fire.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

So this is not love for the sake of status, notoriety, or fame. It is a love that requires a clean heart, a light heart, a soft and pliable heart.

In the hadeeth of Mu’adh reported by at-Tirmidhi, the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) said: “Allah said: ‘Those who love one another for My glory, will have minbars of light, and the Prophets and martyrs will wish that they had the same” [hasan saheeh hadeeth]

This kind of love is the only way to eliminate hatred, jealousy, and rivalry from peoples hearts.

2. She shows them kindness, faithfulness, and equity :
The importance of kindness is mentioned hundreds of times in the Qur'aan! Islam instills in its followers the characteristic of kindness and faithfulness towards one’s friends, including the parents of one’s friends. The seerah is filled with examples of kindness and faithfulness among the early believers. If you remember the story concerning our mother ‘Aaisha (radiallahu ‘anhaa) who used to become upset with Rasoolullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) because he used to extend himself to the friends of his late first wife, Khadijah (radiallahu ‘anhaa). He (sallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) spoke highly of Khadijah (radiallahu ‘anhaa) and sometimes he would slaughter a sheep and send a large portion to Khadijah’s friends.

3. She meets them with a warm, friendly, smiling face :
In Muslim it is reported our beloved Prophet (sallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) said: “Do not think little of any good deed, even if it is just greeting your brother with a cheerful countenance.”

The act of smiling actually stimulates the secretion of certain chemicals (endorphins) that increase our sense of well-being.

“Your smiling at your brother is an act of charity (sadaqah)” [reported by at-Tirmidhi who said it is hasan gharib)

4. She is sincere towards them
Sincerity is one of the most basic principles of Islam and a central foundation of the faith. Without sincerity, a sister’s faith is invalid and her Islam is worthless. When the first believers gave allegiance (bay’ah) to the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam), they pledged their sincerity. This is confirmed by the statement of Jarir ibn ‘Abdullah (radiallahu ‘anhu): “I gave allegiance to the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) and pledged to observe regular prayer, to pay zakat and to be sincere towards every Muslim.” [Agreed upon]

Furthermore, our beloved Prophet (sallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) said: “None of you truly believes until he likes for his brother what he likes for himself” [Agreed upon] It is impossible to do this without sincerity.

5. She does not forsake or abandon her sister(s) :
The religion that calls for love, continued contact, and mutual affection is also the religion (Islam) that has forbidden sisters in faith to hate or abandon one another. It is reported by al-Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad: “No two people who love one another for the sake of Allah, or for the sake of Islam, will let the first minor offense of either of them come between them.”

This hadith and others tell us that prolonged estrangement from our sister is not acceptable. The longer the estrangement lasts (3 days or more) the greater the sin and the more severe is the punishment that will befall the two who are split by the dispute. Reconciliation among sisters-in-Islam is encouraged and the better of the two (disputing) Muslimahs is the first to give salaam. The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) said: “There should be no breaking off of ties, no turning away from one another, no hating one another, and no envying one another. Be brothers, as Allah has commanded you.” [Muslim]

The great Sahabi Abu Darda (radiallahu 'anhu) used to say: “Shall I not tell you about something that is better for you than charity and fasting? Reconcile between your brothers, for hatred diminishes reward.” (reported by al-Bukhari in Ad-Adab al-Mufrad)

6. She is tolerant and forgiving towards them :
Sometimes it seems so easy to become angry with our sisters in Islam about just about anything. However, the true Muslim restrains her anger and is quick to forgive her sister, and does not see any shame in doing so. Rather, she recognizes this as a good dead that can bring her closer to Allah and earn her His love which He bestows only on those who do good:

“…[those] who restrain anger and pardon (all) men – for Allah loves those who do good.” [Al-‘Imran 3:134]

7. She does not gossip about or backbite them :
The believing woman does not gossip about or backbite her sisters in Islam. She knows that gossip is haraam as the Qur’an says:

“…. Nor speak ill of each other behind their backs. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Nay, you would abhor it. But fear Allah: for Allah is Oft-Returning, Most Merciful.” [al-Hujuraat 49:12]

The believing woman restrains her tongue and speaks only good of her sister, remembering the words of the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam): “Do you know what gossip is? They said, ‘Allah and His Messenger know best.’ He said, ‘It is your saying about your brother something which he dislikes.” He was asked, ‘What do you think if what I say about my brother is true?’ He said, ‘If it is true then you have gossiped about him and if it not true then you have slandered him.” [Muslim]

Being two-faced is an aspect of this. In fact the two-faced person is regarded as being one of the worst people in the sight of Allah. Our beloved Prophet (sallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) said: “You will find among the worst people in the sight of Allah on the Day of Resurrection, the one who is two-faced, who approaches some people in one way and others in another.” [al-Bukhari & Muslim]

8. She avoids arguing with them, making hurtful jokes, and breaking promises :
It is reported by al-Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad that our Prophet (sallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) said: “Do not argue with your brother, do not joke excessively with him, do not make a promise to him then break it.”

Arguing leads to further misunderstanding, rigidity, and is an easy opening for Iblis (Shaitan); hurtful jokes often lead to hatred and loss of respect; and breaking promises upset people and destroys love. We need to learn to be able to “back off” to not have the final say, to sometimes just “agree to disagree” until the matter can be resolved by someone with more knowledge. The kind of posturing and gesticulation that poisons so many disagreements is leftover jahl (ignorance). We need to run away from this.

9. She is generous and self-sacrificing :
The Muslimah prefers friendship with a Muslim over the non-Muslim. The bond of common belief forms the foundation for generosity, a basic Islamic characteristic. We are entreated by Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa) to be

“… lowly [or humble] with the believers, mighty against the kafirun …” [al-Maidah 5:54]

10. She prays for her sisters in their absence :
The sincere Muslimah who truly likes for her sister what she likes for herself does not forget to pray for her sister in her absence. This is a practical demonstration of sisterly love and care. A sincere, pure prayer of this kind is the kind most quickly answered. It is reported by al-Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad that “The quickest prayer to be answered is a man’s supplication for his brother in his absence.”

11. She encourages her sisters in all that is pleasing to Allah

Article by : Sister Fatimah L.C. Jackson
Taken from : Alharamin.org Newsletter

New beginnings

2009-07-16T14:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I might as well let the cat out of the bag. I HAD A TUMMY TUCK AND BREAST LIFT. After my 4th and last baby was born I decided I needed a mommy makeover. I was in the hospital on bedrest for 4 months before he was delivered by C-scection. My stomach muscles never went back together and I needed surgery to suture them back together and then the Dr. applied a mesh screen over my stomach muscles. I figured since I had to have surgery anyway might as well make it worth my while. Well I'm recovering day by day and am down to 1 drain from 4. I'm suppose to be moving in with Mmuhammad next week Monday. We shall see what happens. That situation is a little wierd and I'm not sure what will happen but I will try my best to save my family, Insha Allah.

whoa

2009-07-04T11:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i don't understand the why's in my life but i do understand that sometimes you have to follow emotion and not logic.

SALAAM

2009-06-10T06:54:00.000-07:00

Hello beautiful people. I am still here and attempting to rebuild my life. I am working full time in the ER, being a full time mommy and holding on to the threads of my faith. I love my job, i love my children and i love my lord. I don't get it right and i'm not the best at any of it but i am still here and i am till trying.

I HAVE OPTIONS

2008-11-04T23:12:00.000-08:00

Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. I am not going to suffer anymore. I must lay it down and not pick it up again. I must let go whole heartedly and not be foolish enough to believe things will be o.k. tomorrow because tomorrow never comes. Maybe the answer is to turn my emotions off forever never to allow my heart to feel anything ever again is the answer. I think that is something that I must do for a while, at least until the pain is dull and then I will reconsider allowing myself the luxury of caring. NOW IS NOT THE TIME. I'm signing off emotionally for a minute. SEE YA

It would still work

2008-10-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

You'll never know how much I really feel for you, and that........ I love you. Maybe in our next life baby. When she stares at your mouth [ Kiss her ] When she pushes you or hits you like a dumb ass cuz she thinks shes stronger than you [ Grab her and dont let go ] When she starts cursing at you tryin to act all tuff [ Kiss her and tell her you love her ] When she's quiet [ Ask her whats wrong ] When she ignores you [ Give her your attention ] When she pulls away [ Pull her back ] When you see her at her worst [ Tell her she's beautiful ] WHen you see her start crying [Just hold her and dont say a word ] When you see her walking [ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ] When she's scared [ Protect her ] When she steals your favorite hat [ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night ] When she teases you [ Tease her back and make her laugh ] When she doesn't answer for a long time [ reassure her that everything is okay ] When she looks at you with doubt [ Back yourself up ] When she says that she likes you [she really does more than you can understand] When she grabs at your hands [ Hold her's and play with her fingers ] When she bumps into you; [ bump into her back and make her laugh ] When she tells you a secret [ keep it safe and untold ] When she looks at you in your eyes [ dont look away until she does ] When she says it's over [ she still wants you to be hers ] When she reposts this bulletin [ she wants you to read it ] - Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything - When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go - When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her because 10 yrs later she'll remember you - Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her -Treat her like she's all that matters to you. - Stay up all night with her when she's sick. - Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid - Give her the world. - Let her wear your clothes -When she's bored and sad, hang out with her - Let her know she's important. - Don't talk about other girls around her - Kiss her in the pouring rain - When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is; "Whose ass am I kicking baby?" If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will : Call you..... Kiss you..... Love you....... Text you..........

I AM BRAIN DAMAGED

2008-10-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

I must be brain damaged to still love him and to give a damn about the future of our marriage. Of course I read his blog, which I know I shouldn't. I am so strong and i'm goin along just fine until I feel a prick in my heart when he shares something real and not just rambling blaming bullshit. Why does my heart still care? Why do I still love him? OMG I AM SO RETARDED.

PRICELESS

2008-10-16T17:25:00.000-07:00

What price tag would you put on ALL that a mother does for her family. How much would she make if paid for ALL OF IT? I don't think that much money is in circulation. I get up at 6 am put the clothes from the washer into the dryer, get 3 little ones washed and dressed, brush their teeth and comb their hair. Make sure my oldest is up and police her progress. Make breakfast and feed them all, make sure everybody has a lunch bag and a book bag and head out the door. Drop the 2 little ones off at the sitter and the 2 older ones off to school. I then go to work and learn as much as I can so that I can save lives in the ER. I go home on my lunch break and make beds, pick up all over the place and make a sandwich for lunch. I sometimes put something in the slow cooker to make it easier for me when I get home later. Then it's back to work to take care of the sick. After work I go pick the 2 older children from 2 separate schools and then the 2 younger ones from the sitter. I get home at about 6 pm with a rush to get dinner on the table by 7 PM. Dinner is done at about 7:30 PM. Then it's baths and a video of Dad reading books. Then OF COURSE mommy has to read a book too. Then it's warm milk and brush teeth. Bedtime is at 8:30 PM. Once the kids are in bed I get everybodys clothes out for the next day and make everybodys lunches. Throw a load of laundry in and make a cup of tea. It's about 9:30 PM. Thank God my oldest can clean the dining room and wash the dishes otherwise it would be much later. Then I get to go on the computer and do some school work. Now it's 10:30 PM. Next I get to go in my room and read the assigned material for the Critical Care/ER course. Now it's 12:30AM and I get to go to bed at 1AM. I wake up at 4:30 AM to either my 1 year old crying because he is teething or has and ear infection. This wakes up his sisters who share a room with him and then they come get in the bed with me. This means that I don't get back to sleep until 5:30 AM to sleep a whole 30 minutes until the alarm goes off and I get to do it all again. Here I am in a state where I have no family or friends so that my kids can be closer to their father. I don't want to stay here and I don't like it but I will stay, at least until they are older. If I were to leave now my 1 year old son will not know his father. Muhammad has signed on to stay here for 4 years so I guess I am here for 4 years as well. Then I am going back to Virginia or Illinois. Allah knows best. I am blessed to have a good job here, ALHAMDULILLAH. I am in an Emergency Room Nurse preceptorship and it is extremely intense. We have 8 hour days and then another 3 hours on the computer once we are home. I study like a maniac when the kids, household chores, laundry or THE KIDS LET ME. I take breaks on the weekends to meet friends for short coffee breaks and then it's back to the books. Thank God I live around the corner from Starbucks. I don't have many friends here but I have my friends all over the U.S. who support me with calls, cards and letters and, ALHAMDULILLAH, they are awesome. Yes my marriage is over but I will survive, Insha Allah. I will probably never marry again and I am O.k. with that. I haven't been without a husband or boyfriend for 15 years and I think it is time I spend a spell with me.

Insha Allah

2008-10-05T09:54:00.000-07:00

Insha Allah I will live to see another Ramadan and Eid. This was the worst ramadan and eid that I have had in my WHOLE LIFE. I started a new job and Eid fell on my second day of training. I will be in training for 3 1/2 months. Everyday we are in a classroom/lecture with this wonderfully knowledgeable doctor. We are all registered nurses from different specialties being trained to be ER nurses. I have been a registered nurse since 2000 but have only worked in the ER 1 day. It is a totally different way of thinking and operating. Insha Allah I will be a great ER nurse. The stress, adrenaline and constant motion help me to focus on something other than my personal heartache. I got a 2nd job and will be starting that next weekend as well. I have quite a bit on my plate right now but overall I know that things could be so much worse. It is a hard job to work full time, take care of 4 kids and study emergency medicine in my spare time. Isn't that a funny word, spare. All I got is stress to spare. Once I start to work my second job maybe I'll have enough money to pay my bills without waiting until I get a disconnection notice to try and pay them. I sometimes get sad when I think about the way things have turned out. I never imagined I would be living in a state with no family or friends taking care of my family by myself with no help. I never thought that I would be a single parent. I don't want this for myself or my children but it is where I am so I have to make the best of it. Well here I go embarking on my new life. I'll keep you all posted as to how it turns out.

Letting go is hard but ......

2008-09-14T17:47:00.000-07:00

Maybe if my heart stops beating
It won't hurt this much
And never will I have to answer
Again to anyone

Please don't get me wrong

Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

One day you'll get sick of
saying that everything's alright
And by then I'm sure I'll be pretending
Just like I am tonight

Please don't get me wrong

Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

Let this go, let this go

But I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

And I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
That now I feel like I don't know you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GFKAdslo4g

Letting go

2008-09-08T15:40:00.000-07:00

"White Flag"

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be.

GOODBYE DADDI

BETRAYED!!!

2008-08-27T03:22:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you all have read my husband's blog and are wondering why I didn't show up at court. I thought things between us were one way and they turned out to be completely different. Well, my days of being naive and gullible are over. When I read his "I need the duas" & "Dismissed" post I cried because he knows that I wasn't going to go to court and tell them anything bad about him. He wrote, "Sakinah will be there with bells on to tell them how horrible a person I was, Whatever". We HAD communicated and he knew that my only concern was his lawyer using that as an opportunity to screw me. Muhammad told me if I didn't show up for the TRO and I get the DV dropped we would get back together, he would move in & we would go to counseling to work out our issues. We weren't suppose to be talking and we knew that but the kids missed him soooo much and everyday they asked to talk to him so I broke down and IM'd him. HE then told me to contact him anonymously by phone. Allah (swt) knows the truth. I even bit my tongue until I had blood trickling down me throat and listened to his mother pretend like she didn't wrong me AND THEN APOLOGIZE TO HER. I did all of this because I still love my husband and wanted us to stop this cycle of hurting each other, THAT STARTED WITH HIM WANTING TO SLEEP WITH OTHER WOMEN. OH MY BAD, I MEAN POLYGAMY. Yes I did my part after that to hurt him, I'm no where near innocent. That is not even the kicker. The kicker is I old him that I wasn't gonna show up because I want him to be able to spend time with the kids and I don't want him in jail again. My only request of him was not to stab me in the back in my absence. WEEEEEELLLLL, once court was over I received a call from the sheriff's office informing me that he told them THAT I WAS CONTACTING HIM. I was floored. I was in total shock. Here I was thinking that we were getting back together and here he was stabbing me in the back. I am too through. At fajr that morning I asked Allah to show me and "Thank you, Allah for my answer".

ALLAH IS ENOUGH FOR ME

2008-08-17T12:50:00.000-07:00

My husband's blog stated that "Legally she has all of the balls in her court on her side. It is only me and Allah on my side so I will wait and you all can wait with me". Why does he think that Allah is ONLY on his side. Is he here at night when I cry and pray and beg my lord for ease and assistance? Does he see the dua that I make? Does he see into my heart or is that something that only Allah (swt) can do? Allah does hear the cry of the oppressed. When he had the kids and told me he would not let me see them until he consulted others, I cried and begged Allah to help me and to return my children to me in a way in which my husband's hands were tied and bound and he could not take them from me. Lâ hawla wa lâ quwwata illâ bi Allâh translated simply as there is no power or strength except through Allâh. I have not oppressed him. All I asked for was EQUALITY in my visitation with the kids and his unwillingness to be EQUAL & FAIR has placed us here. I pray for AT LEAST 50/50. May Allah grant me success here and in the hereafter. AMEEN

YIPEE

2008-08-17T12:36:00.000-07:00

My son has cut another tooth and he is fine. I gave him motrin and nursed him ALLLLLLLLL day and night and now he is destroying everything like always. I look at the kids playing in their room together and can't imagine why their dad thinks I will not fight back. He is not even willing to give me a 50/50 visitation agreement. What right does he have to think he can take the children away from me and not even grant me EQUALITY. Well unfortunately for him i'm not a quitter and I will fight back as long as there is breath in my body. I was just starting thinking about not showing up in court in hopes that they will drop everything but he doesn't care enough about my feelings to even give me equal time with them so why do I care so much about his feelings. ALL I WANT IS EQUALITY. I guess that's just too much for a muslim woman to ask for huh?

Sick kids

2008-08-16T04:21:00.001-07:00

My baby is sick and I feel so helpless. My son is very sick and I don't even have his insurance card. I pray that I don't have to take him to the closest hospital.

OMFG

2008-08-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

I can not believe what has happened in the course of 24 hours. My husband was SUPPOSE to be coming over to talk yesterday but when I got home the sitter had already let him in and he walked out to greet me. It felt nice to come home to him even with all the shit goin on. I thought that we would be talking about him moving in. I walked in the house and he didn't follow me in??? He stayed outside and put the carseats in his car. He wanted the kids until Friday, cool no problem....UNTIL I look in the back of his car and he has ALL of their clothes packed in a GIMONGOUS bin??? Did he really need ALL THOSE CLOTHES for a meesly 4 day visit? I think not. I think he is taking them without plans to bring them back so now the crap hits the fan. He is strapping my 1 year old in his carseat and I got HE-MAN muscles from somewhere deep down where mothers go to protect their kids and I picked up the whole bin of clothes which must've weighed as much, if not more, than me and took it BACK in my house. By the time I get back outside he has strapped the 1 year old in and is now on the passenger side strapping in the 5 year old. I go to the drivers side and ATTEMPT to get my son out the carseat. This usually is an easy task until my husband grabs my wrist and demands that I leave the baby alone. EXCUSE ME, this is my son I will not sit by and let you take them until we have sat down and got something in writing as to when you intend to bring them back. He won't let me go so I snatch away and start toward my house. He comes up fast behind me and I leave my heels in the parking lot and head barefoot quick to my door. He meets me at my door and grabs my wrist again trying to get me to give him the baby. At this point I get loud and start to scream "Let me go. You're hurting me". My 3 year old isin the house and hears the commotion so she comes to the door. I quickly yank my arm from him, run in the house and lock the door. He jumps in his car and speeds off with my 5 year old.At this point I just want to talk to him and come to an agreement about him returning my child. He calls me and tells me that he will do everything in his power to take ALL the kids away from me. I ask for a peaceful50/50 split and he informs me that he wants full residential custody and I have to pay him child support. I inform him that I will not give him my kids and he starts to threaten me and a male friend that he thinks I'm sleeping with. He goes on about how he'll ruin our careers and then it escalates to physical threats and then it's having my head on a platter. I believe him and call the police to get a restraining order. The officer gets there and I tell her what has happened. She informs me that since he grabbed me forcefully and children are involved she has to file charges. I tell her I don't want to press charges I just want a restraining order, she says I'm sorry I have to file it. She explains that the state presses charges even if the victim does not. OMFG, I don't want him arrested just away. I am very scared at this point and he calls back about 15 times while the police officer is there so I decide to leave with the officer and go to a safe place with her. I get about 15 minutes of sleep in this strange place with everything on my mind. I get a call that he is in custody and I start to cry. I hate where this has gone. All I wanted was for him to move in with ALL his stuff so that we could work out our problems. He wanted me to break my lease and abandon my townhouse to go live with his mother???WTF kinda option is that? If he don't wanna get back FINE then give me EQUAL time with my kids. I went to court the next day and told the judge that I didn't want to press charges, I just wanted a restraining order. The judge was harsh and set his bail at $35,000. WHOA, maybe he had a victim turn up dead b4 i don't know but that was harsh. I have been crying every since. Now look where we are? All of this because I wouldn't move in his mom's house? Why couldn't he just show up with his clothes & try 4 our family? I'm looking at our family picture with tears streaming down my face. It's 1 AM and I can't sleep knowing he is in a jail cell. I love him till it hurts but he backed me into a corner and I had to fight back in the only way that will help me. I needed something on paper in case I come up missing or dead. I am afraid for my life more NOW than before I had the restraining order. I am afraid he will be so mad he will do something terrible without thinking. I pray that he does some hard thinking while he is in there and he comes out in the right frame of mind. I still love him and I still will give him 50/50 visitation with the kids but 1st I need to be sure I'm not gonna end up DEAD. I'll keep you posted

I hope not

2008-08-03T09:49:00.000-07:00

Have u ever had something happen 2 u so painful and traumatic that it shook the very essence of your soul and u weren't even sure who u were anymore. Or maybe several painful & traumatic things strung all together so closely in such a way that u just couldn't recover quick enough from 1 b4 the other slapped the shit outta u. I hope not.

What a girl wants

2008-08-03T09:46:00.001-07:00

I WANT A GUY
Who would remove the hair from my eyes
and then kiss me
Hold my hand in line in the mall and make all the girls jealous
Someone who would SING to me at random moments
Who would let me sleep on his chest
A GUY who would get mad at someone of they called me
UGLY or was mean to me
I want someone who would call me THREE
times a day if he went away.
Someone who would let me gossip to him
And would just smile and agree in everything I said
He would throw stuffed animals
when acted dumb and then
KISS ME A MILLION TIMES
Someone who would make fun of me
Just to make me LAUGH
He would take me to the park and
And put his hands around my waist and
Give me big bear hugs all the time
He would tell all his friends about me
And SMILE when he did it
And we’d make out in the pouring rain
He would never be afraid to say “I love you”
In front of his friends
And then we argue about silly things then make up
I want a guy who would kiss me in the midnight on
New Years and count stars with me
Who would stay home with me on a Saturday Night
Just to help me make dinner & watch
Movies together under the same blanket.
Someone who would tell me I’m beautiful but not too often
Who would make me laugh like NO ONE else could
But mostly, I want someone who would be my
Best friend and would never break my heart.

This is a bitch

2008-08-03T09:17:00.000-07:00

As I look at my children & I think about the beautiful family that once was I feel sick to my stomach. I wonder how it has deteriorated from the inside out until all that is left is 2 torn and broken people who fear eachother and have only a mustards seed of trust (if that much) towards one another. It is a very sad state of affairs in my head and my heart.

Quick and dirty

2008-08-03T05:09:00.000-07:00

Well let's see where do I start. I am a muslimah going through my 2nd REAL divorce and I am fighting my ex for custody of my kids, 5, 3 & 1 years old. If you are a mother you know how devastating this must be. My ex is in the military and he was just deployed for a year so even though things were strained between us I let the kids stay by him for the past month because he was off on vacation and they had not seen their dad for a long time. I wanted our 1 year old son to bond with his dad and the girls missed him as well. I had to work full time and he was home so to me it just made sense. I visit with them 3-4 days a week and the rest they spend with daddy. Sounds nice right? WRONG!!! Now he is refusing to give me my kids back. If I don' return them after my visitation then he will make my life a living hell and I don't want to traumatize my kids. So what started as me being nice has bite my whole entire ass off. Well I am trying to save up enough money to get a lawyer so I can fight for my kids.