Only You

I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
I wonder why it is,
I wont let my guard down,
For anyone but you
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind

Lyrics from Corinne Bailey Rae
Like a star.

This song reminds me of my husband.

pure love

I have been crying off/on all day and after making Dua to Allah to help me my face is FINALLY dry. I miss my family more than I can say. I am trying my best to stay strong and lean on Allah in times of pain and fear instead of getting sucked into the old fight or flight trap that the shaytan loves to get me caught up in. I am in a tremendous amount of pain right now but insha Allah if I am faithful and patient it will be an expiation for my sins. May Allah bless Muhammad, Stacey and myself with peace, clarity and wisdom....AMEEN

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet (p.b.u.h) said, "Seven people will be shaded by Allah under His shade on the day when there will be no shade except His. They are:

(1) a just ruler;

(2) a young man who has been brought up in the worship of Allah, (i.e. worship Allah (Alone) sincerely from his childhood),

(3) a man whose heart is attached to the mosque (who offers the five compulsory congregational prayers in the mosque);

(4) two persons who love each other only for Allah's sake

(5) a man who refuses the call of a charming woman of noble birth for an illegal sexual intercourse with her and says: I am afraid of Allah;

(6) a person who practices charity so secretly that his left hand does not know what his right hand has given (i.e. nobody knows how much he has given in charity).

(7) a person who remembers Allah in seclusion and his eyes get flooded with tears."

Bukhari Vol. 2 : 504

May Allah give us love for each other purely for his sake and let that be our protection on the Day of Judgment when only Allah's shade will protect!!! Ameen!!

Life is good

As I sit here and write this blog I can honestly say "Life is good." I am anxiously anticipating my move to California. I can't wait to spend time with my family. I miss my children and I can't wait to reconnect with my husband. I would be lying if I said I'm not excited about living with Tasha again as well. I miss chatting over coffee in the morning and watching The Travel Channel with her over breakfast. I won't even begin to talk about her cooking. She is the best cook EVAH!!! My husband is an awesome companion ans he stimulates me intellectually, emotionally and physically. It's a bonus that he's also the world's greatest father. I am blessed to have them in my life. THEY.ARE.AWESOME. I pray I can get to know his other wife and we can develop a bond as well. I would love to call her my sisterwife instead of "his other wife" but to me that label is a emotionally loving term of endearment. I will continue to pray for us all. Still, I am so excited and loving my life. Thank you God.

Boxes

I have nice and neat little boxes that I like to put things into. Not little plastic or cardboard boxes but little mental boxes.For instance, my idea of the ideal polygamous family consist of 1 or even possibly 2 other women that are supportive, loving and kind. At least 1 of them is a SAHM. We are loved equally by our husband and we also love each other and want love, peace and happiness for one another. If, God forbid, something were to happen to our husband we would still continue to live together and raise our family. This may be a far fetched dream but why is it? I read on a blog by a sister steadfastlovesgod where she has this exact bond with her sisterwife. My heart longs for that type of bond with my future sisterwife. I will pray to my Lord that I can have the type of bond that my heart longs for. I believe that would be the best for all involved. I don't want to feel like I'm fighting to be treated fairly and I don't want my sisterwife to ever feel like she isn't being treated fairly. I don't want my husband playing referee instead of lovingly guiding and teaching his family like he should. I will pray.

Why

I'm not sure why I am so obsessed with having a polyfi FMF triad type of relationship. First I thought that it was all about my past lesbian experiences but now I see that it is not. It is more about the love, companionship and softness of life with the other woman. I love the day to day closeness, the friendship. My friend from New York is here to visit and what I love most is the closeness. I love waking up to her and going to get a cup of coffee, laughing and talking about life, love and the goes for our future. It's not sexual. I wonder if I will ever have the relationship that I want. We shall see.

Broken

How many times will I put my heart out to be broken by my husband? I will not continue to beg him to reconcile with me. I will not continue to beg for a few minutes of his time on a daily basis to attempt to reconnect. I will go on with my life and pray that my Lord meets my needs. I have great faith that he will. I CHOOSE to let go and let God.

My friend

I have a female friend that lived with me in the past and took care of my home and children while I worked. She has 2 small children that also lived with us. We made up a big happy family. During this time we became very close and three times this closeness became intimate. Now she has never been with a woman in that way before. I on the other hand have had several lesbian relationships with women before islam and a few during my angry phase after my husband and I seperated. She has expressed a desire to move to California with me when I leave to join my children. We are trying to see if we can have a non-sexual, emotionally intimate relationship. I love her and her children and want the best for them. We have even played around with the idea of being in a polygamous relationship with my husband and all growing old together. I love her and would like to be her life partner. We shall see where this goes.